I’m Going Thru a Crisis

by Eric Chaet

I’m going thru a crisis.
I don’t mean the one we’ve shared
at least as long as history.

Some people are getting bombed or shot —
others are doing the bombing & shooting.
Some are living off the fruits of conquest
while others are dealing with shortage of fruits.

Some are behaving bravely & cunningly,
some are laughing among friends,
some are alone & anxious as I am,
some are lost & bungling —
some are nowhere near peak amplitude
while others probably won’t survive the intensity.

But the crisis I’m going thru is mine in particular —
& it’s not the first, either —
I’m turning inside out, again —
dying, or giving birth, to a new instance of myself —
with a new way, a new destination —
or I’ll die of what I’ve lost.

The story I’ve been telling myself
for so long I can’t remember when —
doesn’t seem true to me any more —
I can’t believe I’ll reach that goal —
I’ve waited for response beyond my capacity.
I miscalculated, hoping against probability
& doing what little I could.

I’m not strong enough any more, now
not that way, & maybe I won’t find a way —
to bear the weight of the struggle everyone faces —
tho each begins & develops differently
tho the vast majority attempt to join the vast majority —
that’s the prudent path, unless you start with advantage —
& unless the vast majority is sucked
into a crisis it can’t survive.

Even the vast majority — as I do — must choose —
at whatever age, at whatever fork or crossroads —
amid usual demands & reliefs, or shocking circumstances —
what to believe, how to behave, what to strive for —
what to resist, what to accept —
who to love, if anyone —
who to fight, hide from, nurture, serve.

Everyone is always in a crisis —
no one lives in perfect health & composure always —
tho it’s common to perform routines
that keep us from being aware of our crisis.

But I’m going thru a crisis of my own.
I hope I’ll emerge.
I’ve emerged from crises before.
They’re never the same twice —
& I’ve witnessed people dying at the crest of crisis.

Even if I emerge
I’ll have to face the crisis we’ve faced together
at least as long as history.

I hope you won’t despise me —
that who & how I’ve been til now
can no longer bravely do my part
in what you imagined we’d decided
we were doing together —
I’m going thru a crisis.

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