Struggling with Feelings

by Eric Chaet

Feelings overcome me or nearly do, I don’t feel capable of completing what I’ve begun or of going on beyond any such completion to all that’s bound to remain to be done thereafter.

I estimate that I’m worth as little as most people seem to take me to be — as they take themselves to be, too. I can’t catch my breath, I’m afraid to sleep, I wake up in panics.

I notice I’m rushing but achieving nothing, but I don’t dare stop.

I feel inadequate to care or provide even for myself.

I’m a terrible mechanic, nearly worthless as a plumber. I don’t understand nuclear physics, financial transactions normal for others are driving at night without headlights on highways, for me.

I can’t prevent wicked and stupid people from accumulating power and wealth at others’ expense, I can’t prevent their exploiting me, I feel helpless. I don’t know how to get paid enough soon enough, I seem to have failed at life.

Yet look at all I’ve survived and look at what I have achieved — I can’t do it again now — but often I felt that way before I achieved what I have achieved.

I only have to keep from surrendering to feelings, I only have to outlast feelings, and go as far beyond those achievements as they were beyond who and what I was before I achieved what I achieved.

I’m struggling with feelings.

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